Fighting the losing battle…

I always believed that I could help him. I was his girlfriend, he loved me, he would do anything for me. Or so I thought. As soon as I found out about his problem I asked him to get help, those were the conditions he had to meet for me to stay with him. I went online and found a counsellor who dealt with gambling problems and he booked an appointment. I (foolishly) thought this was it. This was the end to this problem, he would get over his addiction, we would move on with our lives, maybe we would even be a stronger and closer couple after this is over. Unfortunately, after two sessions he no longer bothered to go, deeming it a “waste of time”.

 

I would love to blame him completely for the fact that the counselling didn’t help. He had given up when he had barely started to face up to his problem, he said the counsellor had pretty much said there wasn’t a lot she could do to help. I’m no expert but i’m sure a professional in this area would not have said anything along those lines. The fact is I am just as responsible as him for it not working out. If i’m honest, looking back at his habit for telling lies, it’s entirely possible that he never went at all. I should have gone with him and made sure he attended his sessions but I was naive and didn’t believe that him not turning up was even a possibility. I had my head in the clouds, he was going to go to his sessions, he was going to get better and that would be the end of it. I would ask how it went but I would accept “it was OK” as an answer and the subject would be swiftly changed. My own desire for this to be an easy fix blinded me and it probably alienated me from him even further.

 

Naivety, selfishless, ignorance, desperation. Both of us were guilty of it. Maybe counselling just wasn’t the answer to this problem, it doesn’t work for everyone and doesn’t solve every problem. Or perhaps he didn’t bother going, or didn’t make any effort at the sessions to work towards a solution. Could it be that it was my fault for not being more supportive or insistent that he make a go of getting help? There is no clear answer to why it didn’t work but I will always wonder what could have been different and whether this was a lost cause from day one.

 

When is it OK to leave?

The question I asked myself time and time again. Do I leave? When do I leave? Is it OK to leave? Everytime I thought about it I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt. This man already has a major issue in his life and now i’m going to destroy him further by leaving him. I talked myself out of it so many times, the number is probably double figures. Sometimes I would even build up the courage to actually do it, only for him to beg me not to go-he would often resort to tears which of course filled me with guilt. Looking back, this was probably all part of the manipulation and lies that were a staple of our relationship.

 

The first time I ever considered leaving my boyfriend was the first time I realised the extent of his problem. Many people reading this probably consider this to be quite harsh, but I have always been of the opinion that as soon as a partner is caught out in a lie it’s time to go. We had just moved in together and he came home one day just after payday and just before we were due to pay rent/bills etc. He told me that he had gone into a bookies and started playing on the machines (the fixed odds betting terminals that are blasted by the media were his main addiction) and he had lost £100. Unfortunately, this resulted in chasing his losses and before he knew it his entire wage had gone in and he literally had enough money to get home and that was it. We’re talking around £900 gone in the space of an hour or so. My natural first reaction was complete anger and I lost my temper immediately telling him that that was me done. I was leaving. I messaged one of my best friends and told him what had happened and he suggested going travelling for a bit-the perfect antidote to what I knew was going to be a tough breakup to get through. I spoke to my mum about moving back in with her for a bit, I told my boyfriend I was going and I went to pack my bags. I regret to this day my actions during what followed.

 

“Please don’t leave me, I need your help, it will never happen again if you just stay, I will prove to you I can be trusted”. This is what he told me with tears streaming down his face. He begged, and I mean BEGGED for me not do go, he couldn’t bare to lose me and he knew deep down that I wanted everything to work out. So in what I can only call a “Sliding Doors” situation I chose to stay. I lay awake most nights nearly two years later still wondering where I would be now if I had just left, forgot about him, moved on. Hindsight is a glorious thing.

A Day In The Life…Of Living With A Gambling Addict

When I say a day in the life…I of course mean many days in the life. Living with, being in love with, wanting to help a gambling addict will take over every day of any relationship. The eventual outcome of my personal relationship with a gambler was a particularly difficult and emotionally draining break-up and I left them knowing that they were still an addict and would be until somone forced them to get help. Did I feel guilty? Of course I did, but eventually I was driven away by the person that had put us both through hell for around a year and a half of our young lives.

 

Due to the personal nature of this blog, and the fact that I am referencing my real life relationship I will not be divulging too many personal details to protect the identity of the people involved. I will however be providing a brutally honest account of what it is like to live with gambling addiction from the perspective of the girlfriend/boyfriend. This may even resonate with the partners of people with other addictions. Too often the person with the addiction is focused on without taking into consideration the other people affected and I think a big part of the problem is the media. I have read many articles detailing how a certain person has lost thousands even millions to a gambling problem and as a result lost their partner/children/family and most would agree this warrants a certain degree of sympathy. However, these articles sadly rarely explore what said partner/children/family have been put through whilst watching someone they love deal with something so life destroying.

 

Maybe some of you identify with what i’ve been through, perhaps some of you are going through the same right now. Whatever the case, please understand I am not claiming to be able to offer support or advice, I am simply talking openly and candidly about a part of my life I have struggled to deal with until now, months after I ended the relationship.